I'm sorry, I had a bad day again.

So, I will readily admit that my mind works in mysterious, oftentimes ridiculous ways. Sometimes I can't shed a tear for things that should make me cry, and sometimes I cry for the most idiotic reasons, or even no reason at all.

I can't help it, okay? It's just the way my head works and I have no clue how to go about changing it--believe me, if I could I would. It's humiliating to have tears rolling down my face in the middle of class for stupid reasons. It's humiliating to make my friends panic so that they draw attention to it and in turn cause me even more humiliation. I know it's absurd but I Just. Can't. Help. It. Once it starts it won't stop, no matter how much I tell myself that I'm being an idiot crybaby and that I'm stupid for shedding even one tear. Something must have short-circuited a long time ago between my brain and my tear ducts because the former has absolutely no control over the latter. I spend all my time avoiding conflict; not because I'm afraid, but because I know the second it gets heated the waterworks will turn on, even if I'm not even that freaking upset!

There's this other thing too. If it's a person who causes me to lose control in public like that, I have a really hard time forgiving them, even though technically it's not their fault. But I forever associate them with my humiliation and I tend to shy away after that. Even if I do manage to forgive them, there will always be that aspect of caution, that "Okay, I can't do this, this, or that or they might do that thing that made me cry again."

Teachers or professors are the worst, I think, because it totally ruins the professional relationship for a teacher to see you cry. It has to be one of the most unbearable things on the planet, and I'm totally not exaggerating. Especially if it's a teacher who's not very...um, nice I'll say, though that's probably not the correct word. Because then you feel like double the horse's ass because you always feel like now that they've seen weakness they're constantly judging you. At least, I do.

I am such the fucking douche.