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Okay, so we've been having trouble with our septic tank. It was full or something and our, uh, waste was backing up. So my grandma called the landlord and he came out two days ago and dug it up so he could install a new one. Well, he dug it up and left and said he'd be back yesterday with a new one, anyway.
Only *I* didn't know that two days ago.
So that night, I wanted a soda, which we keep it in the van. My grandma sleeps on the sofa in the living room and I didn't want to wake her up so I went out the back door.
BIG FUCKING MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, to give me credit, our backyard is pitch black at night and I had no idea we had an open cesspool in our back yard anyway. Having said that, when I put my foot down about three feet away from the back porch I had approximately .07 seconds to realized nothing was there, and proceeded to go belly first into a heaping vat of excrement.
It was unpleasant.
Needless to say, I didn't give a flying fuck whether I woke my grandma up when I came stomping in the front door covered in doo-doo and other nasty things at four o'clock in the morning. So I took a two hour long HOT shower and scrubbed myself raw. (Those clothes are getting burned, I don't care WHAT the old biddy says.)
Then I spent another hour or so listening to crude songs and unveiled barbs which served to further humiliate me, as I had woken the entire house with my (completely justified) hysterics, before going to bed. I am now the laughingstock of my family and will be for the next eight hundred years or so.
THE END
Only *I* didn't know that two days ago.
So that night, I wanted a soda, which we keep it in the van. My grandma sleeps on the sofa in the living room and I didn't want to wake her up so I went out the back door.
BIG FUCKING MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, to give me credit, our backyard is pitch black at night and I had no idea we had an open cesspool in our back yard anyway. Having said that, when I put my foot down about three feet away from the back porch I had approximately .07 seconds to realized nothing was there, and proceeded to go belly first into a heaping vat of excrement.
It was unpleasant.
Needless to say, I didn't give a flying fuck whether I woke my grandma up when I came stomping in the front door covered in doo-doo and other nasty things at four o'clock in the morning. So I took a two hour long HOT shower and scrubbed myself raw. (Those clothes are getting burned, I don't care WHAT the old biddy says.)
Then I spent another hour or so listening to crude songs and unveiled barbs which served to further humiliate me, as I had woken the entire house with my (completely justified) hysterics, before going to bed. I am now the laughingstock of my family and will be for the next eight hundred years or so.
THE END
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